March 14, 1971 – Hey Mother, what’d I do to deserve a period? I’m 13 years old, for Pete’s sake. Couldn’t you hold off for at least 10 years?
July 8 1972 – OK, so you’re not budging on the period. Then how about a pair of boobs? This is bikini season.
June 28, 1977 – I’m still waiting.
February 7, 1986 – What’s a white hair doing on my head? And why is it sticking straight up? Please stop this nonsense. I’m not a troll doll.
November 23, 1991 – What’s with these crow’s feet I see in the magnifying mirror? According to a scientific study reported in W magazine, women start to look older exactly 33 days past their 35th birthday. I have 299 more to go.
January 17, 1993 – Eight pounds, 9 ounces! What on earth were you thinking?! I’m 5-foot-3, for Pete’s sake.
January 18, 1993 –Dearest Mother, I don’t know how to thank you for answering my prayers for a pair of boobs. They’re so firm and perky I could be a Vegas showgirl if it weren’t for the dimpled glob of dough where my abs used to be.
January 19, 1993 – I should have known such a good thing wouldn’t last. The baby drained the perky right out of me. If only he could do the same for the dough.
March 8, 1993 – Well it’s about time you returned my abs.
May 10, 1993 – I’m down to what I weighed freshman year in high school. Can I keep breastfeeding until the baby’s 21?
February 3, 1997 – Enough with the white hairs. I plucked six this morning. At this rate, I’ll be bald by 50.
March 7, 2002 – My hair is now the color you would have given me at birth if you’d really loved me.
September 5, 2004 – After years of running, my thighs finally have some muscle underneath all that Jell-O. So why’d you have to go and decorate them with maps of the Mississippi Delta?
October 16, 2006 – I just learned that I have the fasting glucose level, blood-cell counts and cholesterol ratio of a teenager. Why couldn’t you put that on my thighs?
April 1, 2009 – How kind of you to take away my crow’s feet.
May 1, 2009 – Oh crap! Why did I get these reading glasses?
August 12, 2012 – I use sunscreen because it’s supposed to prevent wrinkles and skin cancer. I’ve got wrinkles. I’ve got skin cancer. And my face has the healthy glow of a vampire’s.
August 15, 2017 –Now that I’m 60, you’re making me choose between the body I want and the face I want. Some birthday present. My fattest friend is 10 years older than me. She looks 10 years younger. While I’ve been running 30 miles a week and munching on kale, she’s found the fountain of youth in fettuccini alfredo and Chunky Monkey.
November 9, 2018 – How the heck did my skin get so big? My jeans still fit.
March 4, 2019 – Boy am I glad I never got any tattoos.
June 15, 2020 – It’s high time I stop getting my head painted with peroxide. Out with the blond. In with the silver.
June 16, 2020 – Forget silver. My hair is battleship gray. What happened to all those white hairs?
June 17, 2020 – I can’t stand this hair.
June 18, 2020 – Thank God for henna. I was able to get rid of the gray without bathing my head in carcinogens. If I could just get rid of this funky henna smell.
July 13, 2020 – Now I understand why after turning 60, my mother never exposed anything above her elbows or knees.
July 22, 2020 – Why isn’t my wrinkle cream working? I could play tic-tac-toe on my face.
August 1, 2020 – Please forgive me for so much griping. All I had to do was put the glasses away and appreciate the eyes you’ve given me. There, I don’t look a day over 19.