Don’t worry about coronavirus; it hits only old people. Or is it rich people? Or old, rich people living in New Rochelle? Should we wear face masks? Or not? Go to work? Stay home? Buy stocks? Or sell?


Fortunately, we have a president who’s getting daily updates on COVID-19 from the world’s leading virus experts then promptly dismissing them as hogwash. Folks who haven’t spent time actually listening to Donald Trump – I suspect that includes most Republicans — might not realize that he often says the opposite of what he means, particularly during an election year.


That’s why I created this guide to understanding his comments about coronavirus. Trump’s quotes are arranged in the order he made them, starting Feb. 24, when he Tweeted his sunny appraisal of the stock market hours before it plummeted.


Trump: “The stock market is starting to look very good to me.”

Translation: Don’t look now, but the stock market is about to plunge 1,000 points. Just vote for me.


Trump: “(The number of cases in the United States) is going very substantially down. The 15 cases within a couple days is going to be down to zero.”

Translation: Stop watching the news. Otherwise, you’ll learn that the number of cases will climb to more than 1,000 over the next two weeks. Vote for me.


Trump: “I like this stuff. I really get it…Maybe I should have (become a doctor) instead of running for president.”

Translation: Just kidding. I’m really not cut out for menial labor.


Trump: “Just stay calm. It will go away.”

Translation: Turn off the *+#*#+ news.


Trump: “No nation is more prepared or more resilient than the United States.”

Translation: I got my information from a report the World Health Organization published during the Nixon administration. Vote for me.


Trump: “Anybody that wants a test (for the coronavirus) can get a test.”

Translation: I can get a test to shut up the reporters who keep hounding me to get tested. You can get a test, too, if you are on your death bed and know for a fact that you were exposed to COVID-19.


Trump: “(Banning travel to and from China) helped save thousands of lives.”

Translation: As of March 16, more than 3,700 Americans have been diagnosed with coronavirus and at least 71 died. There’s no evidence the travel ban saved a single life. But who wants more Chinese tourists anyway? Keep that in mind come election day, if you’re still alive.